Those Magic Moments

Have you ever been so overwhelmed with words and emotion and happiness that it's practically impossible to say everything you want to say? No? Hmm.. must me a "me " thing!

If you haven't already noticed, I don't usually have a lack of things to say--- something I'm sure I can relate back to all of those long research papers I had to do in high school and college. See! My mind is already running faster than I can catch it. Let me just say this:

Last night we danced around the bedroom like nothing in the world mattered.

Last night we laughed and sang and celebrated.

Last night everything was perfect. 

I don't ever want to forget that. 

(Also, Emi crawled for her first time AND pulled herself up into sitting position!)

Dreaming Dreams

As a vivacious, yet awkward (shocking, I know) 6th grader I had a dream. I was going to be a fashion designer. I could could see it perfectly- me, dressed in layers of the finest fabrics and frosted with glittering jewelry, my hair long and pulled into a tight updo, presenting my renowned designs on the runway to a celebrity-filled room. Then, when I realized I knew nothing of fashion and was still rocking 90s bangs in one perfectly curled roll that dream changed.

I was going to be an actress! Oh man, it was going to be AMAZING! I say that in all caps because that's how convinced I was that A. This dream was going to come true, B. I was going to be marry Orlando Bloom and C. I was going to win an Oscar. 

I kept that dream tucked away for a long time; longer than I like to admit. Even after I recognizing my paralyzing  fear of rejection and total lack of confidence on stage, I quietly hoped that someday I would walk the red carpet. 

Those were the days when nothing was out of reach. No dream was too outrageous, too unrealistic, too far fetched. I could do anything! I could be anyone. Now, here I am, lounging on my couch in my cat pajamas (I'm not lying) and it hits me.

I need a new dream.

12 year old Cami would be devastated if she could see me now. It's not that having day old makeup and baby food on my shirt isn't glamorous, because, I mean come on! I am KILLING this look! I have everything I didn't know I wanted. I have the silliest, sweetest baby doll little girl to pull my hair and kiss my face and a handsome, hardworking student of a husband that makes me laugh everyday (and even laughs at me sometimes)! Life is good. But what's next? What's my dream, my passion, my goal? 

Hello 2016, let's go on and adventure. 

Finding God in Motherhood

Matt left early to study for finals and Emi's asleep. After yet another night of being up every hour with a screaming baby I find myself too awake to sleep and too tired to be productive. The TV is scrolling through a slideshow of stock photos because I'm too lazy to turn it off and I actually appreciate the calm the nature pictures bring. It makes the room seem alive, even if I feel dead.

I read through some of my old posts a few weeks ago, contemplating whether or not I should start writing on this thing again. One of my favorites, one written out of raw and honest emotion, was about the realities of being a mom.

Emi hadn't slept the night before. Her reflux was bad again and the medicine didn't seem to help. Add one stressed out mom and her first nasty cold and I really wasn't feeling well. I had missed church that morning. Matt took Emi and left me to wallow in bed. Of course, I didn't know I was wallowing at that point. I just felt tired. The kind of tired that you don't just feel but that you are. The tiredness filled my bones and overflowed into my mind. I knew I needed to get up; I needed to go to church. I needed that boost that only comes from sitting in a congregation of friends and strangers and listening to words about Christ. I remember sneaking into the back of the building and sitting on the hard chairs. The goal was to blend in. I kept my eyes down because I knew that anything could trigger a waterfall that I wasn't sure I could stop. I was dangerously emotional. A woman actually came up to me after the meeting and asked if I was new and I lost it! It wasn't just a cry. It was an all out "horse cry". You know, where you start with the staccato breathing, unable to catch your breath so you start making the awful 'ee ee ee hoo" sound and end up with the hiccups. If you don't know what I mean ask me to show you sometime. It's almost as attractive as you're imagining. 

That summer had been difficult.  Unexpected health problems, two back to back surgeries, a thousand miles of travel, and a new baby were making adjusting to our temporary circumstances harder than it should have been. Matt was working long hours at an internship that proved not to pay as much as we were hoping. We were living with my gracious in laws, and despite how wonderful they are it's hard not having your own home.

Those memories are jumbled now. New challenges replace old ones. Happy memories join those that are good. There are still lots of days, though, where motherhood is hard. I was praying the other night and found myself tempted to cry out, "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE!" A ridiculous thought, isn't it? In my shallow self pity and forgot that God has seen it all. He has wept for his Children. He has sorrowed in their misdeeds and I'm sure He too has fallen to his knees in near exhaustion. He gets it. As the realization hit me, my heart softened and I whispered, "Help me."

Being a mom is still hard. It's always going to be hard. "Anything easy isn't worth it." But, I'm not doing it alone. I have to give credit to an incredible husband that loves our little stinkbug more than I thought was possible and helps me get through the long nights and longer days. But, I have someone that is with me always- the perfect parent. He watches, guides, and comforts. Always. And that's pretty great.

Lessons Learned in Las Vegas

This summer has been WILD with a capital Woah. Here are a few of the fun things I've learned living in the 110 degree weather.

• Shake Shack. It's worthy of all the hype.
• Having your child sleep 10 feet away from you for the first four months of their life is both the best and the worst.
• Hobby Lobby is my happy place.
• It takes approximately 7-8 years for a gallstone to form. I had 20 gallstones. Long story short I no longer have a gallbladder. 
• No gallbladder > 20 gallstones.
• Parks and Rec. Where the heck have I been the past 5 years?!
• If you eat the same cereal every day all summer long you will get sick of it.
• I still cannot get tan. 
• Mom friends save your sanity.
• Emi will never, I repeat, NEVER watch Caillou. 
• If you sleep with the humidifier on and the door shut you will wake up in the rainforest.
• Netflix. I have never loved you more.
• Do not stop in Meadow/Kanosh off the I-15 in Utah. You will die.

Love,

Cami 

Dear Emiline

Dear sweet babycakes sugar muffin Emi girl,

You're in for a wild ride in this adventure called life, but I promise to fill the days with spontaneous dance parties, car karaoke, long walks outside, and chocolate chip cookies.



Love,
Your crazy mom

Being a mom is hard.

My heart is so full today and I needed to share what is on my mind.

Being a mom is hard. After weeks of sleepless nights and frustrated hours spent trying to get my sweet Emiline to eat I am worn down and raw.. I'm tired, and sometimes (more often than I like to admit) I am cranky. Having another person to look after, a person who can't tell me that her tummy hurts or that she just needs to be laid down or she's a little bit cranky too, has been a challenge. Many days I miss when I could run to the store without having to pack up a diaper bag and carry a car seat. Heaven knows I miss the full nights of sleep.

Being a mom is hard.

But, I have this beautiful little girl with big blue eyes and a smile to die for that I love more than I thought possible. Yes, I'm exhausted and I've cried in the shower over spit up in my hair. That's part of Mommy-hood and those things can weigh me down.

There's this other part of being a mom, though, that is beautiful and incredible and unbearably rewarding. It's the first time she smiled at me. It's how even with a scratchy throat and stuffy nose she still manages to give me that big beautiful, full body grin! It's the way she looks at me at three in the morning while I hold her close to feed her and when she smiles at me for no reason and the milk drips out of the side of her mouth making me laugh. When she falls asleep on my shoulder while I'm burping her and her chubby little cheek squishes against me- that's when I feel heaven.

Life isn't an Instagram post. My hair is rarely done and I view makeup as a necessary evil. Everyday isn't rainbows and butterflies. It  would be easy to write just about all the not so fun parts motherhood, but here's the kicker: being a mom is hard, but life without my baby was even harder!

Emiline loves me with no makeup on and the same sticky t-shirt she's spit up on every night this week. She loves me even when I'm grumpy and selfish. She doesn't care if we don't get out of our Jammies until lunchtime and she definitely could care less if she gets a bath today! All she asks is that I love her (and make sure she's fed and  gets her diaper changed at least a few times a day), because she loves me anyway. She loves me anyway! 

Being a mom is hard.


Because most of the time I don't deserve all of that love.


Being a mom is hard


Because loving someone so much changes a person and change isn't easy.

Being a mom is hard. And I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. 

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a sick baby that I need to let love me. 

Life in the LV

Who's completely and totally ignored her blog for the past few months? This girl! I would feel bad, but honestly, being mom keeps me busy and by being a mom I mean watching Gilmore Girls instead of taking naps and taking care of the sweetest baby in the whole world.

This summer Matt has had an internship in the big LV so we've been living with his family since the beginning of June. Throw in two unexpected surgeries, about a million poopy diapers, spontaneous Target runs and hours spent kissing, talking to and cuddling with my little Emi and you have a snapshot of my summer. Oh yeah, there's also been a little bit of hanging by the pool and making way too many treats. Life is hard, isn't it?

The really crappy part about neglecting my blog for so long is that I never know where to start. While I think on that and embellish, uh...., I mean think of some fun stories to share, I'm going to just leave this right here.